Tracy Cox commented on Share Your Story 2018-12-08 10:28:07 -0800My story may possibly be one you’ve never heard. I am the 51 yr old wife of a 75 yr old husband who has dementia…we’ve only been married for 7 yrs. I have multiple sclerosis and worked as a registered nurse until MS made it so I could not work since I was 31 yrs old. I tried caring for my husband at home but I couldn’t watch him 24/7. His kids who are all adults…2 being older than me and 2 younger by 5 yrs hate me with a passion and will stop at nothing to make my life a living hell. I asked for them to help out but they did nothing. My husband and I talked to our pcp and decided that a nursing home would be what’s right for him now bc he needs more help than I could give him. His kids were against this idea too saying I married an old man so you will care for him 24/7/365. I moved him to the care center back in May. They wouldn’t drive the 2 hrs to visit him before he was placed in a nursing home and they won’t drive to see him now…until October 20 I went to use our debit card to pay for my lunch and it came up declined 3 times but I knew there was money in that account. I paid in cash and headed home to go online to see what was wrong. I seen our joint acct had a balance of $0. I seen that all the money in our joint acct had been transferred to a “new” acct with only my husband’s name. This acct is at a bank out of state. My husband does not have a driver’s license anymore so I’m wondering what is going on. I called the care home which is just blocks from our home to find out my husband’s brother took him to Missouri the state my husband lived all of his life until he married me and he moved to Kansas bc I still had minor kids when we were married. His brother took him to transfer all of our money into a new acct. My husband isn’t incompetent all the time. He can be swayed into thinking whatever the person he’s around is thinking and in our case his one daughter, Christi that I’ve always trusted and gotten along with decided she wanted her dad back in Missouri and away from me SO the bank acct was done. I went and picked my husband up to come home for his daily afternoon visit where I could ask him about what had transpired earlier in the day. He was telling me as Christi called my phone which I ignored bc my husband was telling me what was going on and why. She kept calling so I answered and she was all chipper like we were best friends. I told her what her uncle had done and she was mad just like I was and she said “I’m going to call him right now to see what he was thinking. Dad has dementia he just can’t be taking him like that. I’ll call you right back.” Her uncle calls my phone before she could have called him …he’s yelling how “the cops have been called. My brother doesn’t have dementia. You’ve caused it by overdosing him… “ I was in shock and hung up on him. Christi called back still acting mad telling me her uncle hired an attorney and “he’s coming after you! I don’t understand it bc all I want is for dad to be taken care of.” I had to let her go bc someone was knocking on my front door and it was an officer from our police department asking if Wally was here? I said “yes do you want to talk to him?” He said “I just want to inform you that we just received a call reporting that you took your husband against his will from the nursing home.” I was furious and was starting to lash out at the officer. I’m known for my passionate temper. He said “hear me out. I went to the care home and talked to the charge nurse and she said your husband signed himself out and the two of you walked out the door with you saying you’d have him back for supper just like you do almost everyday.” My husband comes into the living room and told the officer he was fine and didn’t understand why anyone would call and say such a thing about him being taken. The officer could only tell me it was a female that called it in. When I took my husband back the charge nurse told me it was one of my husband’s dtr’s who called the police department bc she had called the nursing home and told the charge nurse she had done it. So that was Saturday. I woke up Sunday wondering why my tv wasn’t working. I knew I paid my bill but I had no stations. I called Directv to finally get told that I had called yesterday asking for my service to be disconnected. I told them I had done no such thing. I explained about what happened with my husband and that his family must have called it in. They reconnected me at no charge and told me they were going to turn it into the fraud department. I had a phone call from the fraud dept within 30 min telling me a female called in saying she was me and asked to be disconnected immediately. It was figured out to be Christi AGAIN. I put a passcode on my acct so that no one but me could access my acct which was only in my name so Idk how his dtr figured this out. I decided to go online and check our joint credit cards and she had them all canceled and even changed my address to her address. When I brought my husband home for his afternoon visit I showed him everything I’d discovered and told him about the tv etc. He said “why would she do all of that? I only told them I’d think about moving. I never told them to do all of this crap she did.” He told me how they had convinced him that I was charging all kinds of things on his credit cards and how I didn’t love him. They really went above and beyond. They planned to take him out of the care home for a weekend get away…to visit friends and family but they weren’t going to return him. I kid you not this was Sunday and Monday was even worse! He called his dtr Sunday night after I had dropped him off and told her to stop everything. He didn’t like what she had done and he wanted to stay up here near his wife. He said she cried and kept trying to change his mind but he told her no! He called his brother and told him he wanted everything stopped. His brother told him “I’ll do whatever you want and if you want to stay up there with her than I’m ok with it.” So Monday comes and Wally called me and asked me to come get him before 8a bc he wanted to transfer the money back in our acct so I went and got him. The director of nursing stopped and told us there was a lady coming to meet with Wally at 10:30 so I needed to have him back…my day was about to get even better than the weekend….I had him back and she wanted to talk to us in privately together and then one at a time…the door closed and she introduced herself and said there had been several allegations made that I was abusing my husband. The allegations were horrendous. They said I would over medicate my husband when he still lived at home to the point I overdosed him and had to call the ambulance to get him and take him to the hospital where they had to “save” him. He’d get his system flushed out of these “drugs” in the few days they’d have him and they would discharge him good as new. They failed to tell the “elder abuse” people that the first time this happened their dad was to be discharged from the hospital the next morning after being at the hospital for 3 days and I got a phone call from the hospital at 6:55a telling me my husband broke out of the hospital and ran to the nursing home (ironically it’s where he lives now) and locked himself in an office and wouldn’t come out. They asked if I would come down to see if I could get him to come out. I went down but he wasn’t coming out bc he seen a gun deal going down in the hallway at the hospital and they were “selling body organs out of the back room where the nurses go!” His dr and my dad finally got him talked back into going back to the hospital where they could set up for him to be transferred to the Senior diagnostic unit in Topeka. After being there for almost 2 weeks he was diagnosed with vascular dementia. He felt great when they discharged him until freedom did him in and he had to be transferred to the hospital where a structured environment without all kinds of choices and the 1:1 care he’d do great and I’d bring him home and freedom would do him in. He also started walking away to where I wouldn’t know where he was. Another allegation was I sold my husband’s guns (he had been a gun dealer yrs ago) without his knowledge and had the auctioneer give me the check which I cashed and pocketed the money. I still don’t know what money they were talking about. Another allegation was that I drugged him up and had him sign a poa. (I found out 2 hrs later that Christi had told the administrator of the Manor that she had the poa….so which was it? Did I dope him up to sign one or was Christi the poa? Christi and me are poa for healthcare decisions….where we have to work in concert…proof we had gotten a long at some point. Wally did tell me that Christi had him sign a piece of paper in front of his brother John but he didn’t know what it was and it wasn’t notorized. We still have no idea what paper he signed…I’m just waiting to see what happens next. The allegations were three sheets that the “interrogator” couldn’t keep straight. She even asked if I loved my husband…!! I had to get credit card statements proving there were no balences on them. I asked for a copy of the allegations by emailing the “investigator” but she told me to call her which I did and she told me it was mainly the credit cards and the way the money is being spent and his possibly being overdosed was all she was looking into and she had gotten all the medical records that proved I had done nothing wrong. It took her over 30 days to mail me a letter saying all allegations were unsubstantiated. I’m happy there is somewhere to call about elder abuse and that they take it seriously but what my husband’s family did was wrong. Where do I go to report their abuse? Christi had set up his acct for social security online so she could have his check redirected into his new acct. when I called the social security office explaining everything we were told that Christi setting up that acct online without her dad physically beside her was breaking the law and we need to talk to an attorney. The only way we were able to get that acct closed was I had seen a strange address with my name and my husband’s name attached…I asked the lady if that was the address and she said “yes it was. I’m so glad you found that bc it would’ve made it a lot harder to get in to delete this acct.” Where do I go to rock her/their world? They act like they are above the law. I may not be able to do anything to them now but I pray that someday they will get what’s coming to them. They haven’t been a part of their dad’s life in over 8 yrs. They only care about if they can get something out of him like money. The only time Christi has been up to visit him is when I found some jewelry of her mom’s that I wanted to give her….she came right up. When there was a gun he wanted his 26 yr old grandson to have Christi came right up to get it for her son. I have another box of special pictures and special keepsakes their mom kept before she died that one of the daughters should have but I’ve been stabbed in the back so many times by those 3 that I don’t care that they ever get it. I’ve never done anything against them. I was there the very moment their dad had his stroke and got him to the hospital where he was treated and had no damage done. They don’t call him on his bday or on Father’s Day. They don’t show their dad any love yet he falls for the little crumbs they might drop for him believing they want things to be different but they never are!
I know there are good families that get took by caregivers but I wanted you to know my story the story of the wife/caregiver that has been abused by the family. Christi had planned to have her dad take over her apartment that her lease wasn’t up til May 2019. She didn’t want to keep paying the rent bc her and her boyfriend made up and she had moved back in with him. Her dad needs care 24/7. She didn’t care what happened to her dad as long as he could pay her $2,400 rent. The boyfriend wasn’t impressed with the way she treated her dad or me and she’s back in her apartment according to what her dad told me…the only time he gets to talk to her is if he calls her. The other “kids” punish him bc again he chose me as his wife.
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